Posted by: tlboehm | July 19, 2012

I”m at an impasse

What if you woke up tomorrow knowing exactly what your purpose was in life – and you were completely passionate about it? How would your life change? 

I was informed by someone I deem important in my life that my “purpose” is “Still worth pursuing. Its very unique. Very special. You get it. Most people don’t, but you do.” Great words, yes? From someone who would have my best interests at heart or at least who would bear me no malice. Now…if only I knew what “It” is. And that is my dilemma today. 
Perhaps my predecessors had it easier, so absorbed in ferreting out food and shelter they weren’t afforded time to sit in that individually molded couch divet and ponder their “purpose” in life. They survived by the work of their hands, the weight of their decisions and sometimes, the law of averages. Yet here I am with my frontal lobe and my opposable thumbs and I expect some sort of validity to my life. What’s my deal anyway? 
Truth is, I’m a middle aged, corpulent cubicle drone with more debt than one lifespan can absorb. I’m not especially talented, my face is forgettable and my children bear more mediocre DNA than I would have wanted to give them. I am saturated in my banality as a life form. If I were to have had a purpose – I should have picked it out when I was still fresh and young and able to expend twenty years pursuing it. 
I thought at one point that I would be a rock star and then I thought I might be a novelist. We’re all allowed our moments of complete stupidity but the rest of my life has been somewhat accidental. I die a little inside considering that perhaps my tenure as a bean countin’ desk jockey just may be my purpose but it has become my existence. I am not so deluded as to consider my current distraction with genealogy to be a “purpose” – its a diversion. It keeps me from thinking about how truly dissatisfied I am with almost every aspect of my life. Since I don’t have to go out and plow fields to survive – it absorbs the time modern conventions afford me. And its more interesting than prime time TV. At least IT has a purpose if nothing more than to distract a middle aged, corpulent, cubicle drone.
So what do you think it is? What is my purpose in life? Beyond those things we all share – being a good parent, spouse, partner, minion, what is it about me that gives me validity? Why get up every morning and consume air, light…sustenance? I’m just asking the room. And to personalize it? What is YOUR purpose? 
I told my son last weekend “let me be your horrible warning for a moment” and I meant it. I hope he got it, but he is still young and bedazzled by his future (and besotted with the love of a beautiful girl) He is casual with his gifts – too casual for my tastes but at this moment my post isn’t about him. Its about ME. My blog. My angst. My disappointment. 
Not trying to be a major downer today – I’m just looking for feedback – a bit of dialogue. And yeah, I I totally asked my Creator for clarification but since oh 2008 I’ve been praying to my ceiling. Either there are no answers – or I’m a bean countin’ desk jockey. Lobotomized by my own free will. 
So, rooms open. I’m off today. I hope to clear out several hints on ancestry. Been trolling in the deep south for a tad. My outlaw step family is related to Robert E Lee. I suppose in Viking terms – that’s similar to finding THOR in your happy tree. Yup. 
Peace. And seriously. What is YOUR purpose? I’m curious. I believe we’re much more contented if we serve some sort of purpose. And where purpose and passion intersect? Ah. Nirvana…  
Advertisements

Responses

  1. I posted on your Facebook wall that you need to go read Adrienne’s latest blog entry. Now that I’ve read this entry, I’m saying it again, loudly. GO READ THIS:

    http://mrstbilly1973.wordpress.com/2012/07/19/nothin-but-words-9/comment-page-1/#comment-4

    When you’ve read it, let me know, and I’ll do my best to give you my answer to your question.

  2. I saw your comment there, so now I’m going to take a stab at it:

    Your purpose is to create connections and provide insight through your wonderful words and your courageous honesty. And you are doing that all the time, even when you’re not aware of it.

  3. Sorry it took me a minute to come over here.

    Tammy, when David was in the flock with the sheep for sixteen or eighteen years, I’m quite sure he didn’t picture himself as king. Nor did Rahab picture herself as a prostitute. While the Lord told Abram that he would be a father, Sarai thought it absurd for it to happen when they were old as dirt. Sometimes purpose requires preparation, and with the preparation there is time…waiting, wondering, and faith building. It is uncomfortable and disconcerting. Stepping into purpose requires patience as well. How much patience always seems like too much time wasted. From one Christian chick to another, patience also requires a very deep intimacy with the Lord and a willingness to go along with the flow. Purpose requires such giant leaps of faith at times, and not always knowing where you will land. Sometimes, you hold on too tight, and you have a security blanket.

    Purpose also requires you to directly confront your own fears and buck the system when necessary. How much courage did it take Mary to simply tell Joseph ‘dude, I’m knocked up, it ain’t yours and I’m still a virgin.’ All this and she couldn’t have been more than 14. Her life wasn’t cake or as tasty as gravy. the angel had told her she was highly favored and chosen. So…after having to explain a sitch to Joseph, she was on the run from a madman who wanted to kill her and her kid. She was probably an outcast. She had to watch her son grow up and surpass her…surpass her intelligence, her emotional reach and her authority. Imagine listening to a mere child tell you that he is about his father’s business…aka I’m busy, stay out of my way. She watched as her son traveled, ran from the law, and got betrayed. Finally, she had to watch her son leave her repeatedly: in ministry, in death and in ascension. but her purpose led her to those things. Wait…that wasn’t even finally. In the end, Mary was probably forgotten by those around her or stigmatized as that man’s mom. In one hand, she was only known as Jesus’ mom, and in the other, she was labelled as the mom of a crazy person with a cult following. Mary’s purpose to nurture and love human beings As an old woman, I often wonder if Mary felt cheated out of a life for herself. I wonder if she knew that her entire purpose in life, being the mother to our savior and Lord, was a huge accomplishment…but it didn’t come with fanfare. It was quiet and unnoticed. I wonder if Mary wanted more. I’m quite sure she did. but she loved the Lord enough to trust what he wanted out of life for her. Sometimes, our purpose is to suffer so that the greats of the world can move forward and be productive. I know that is a hard pill to swallow. It’s one I am learning to swallow now.

    I do not know what your purpose is, but I do know on May 30, 2011 the words you wrote were powerful enough to keep me on Earth just a few moments more. Your words helped that ache in my heart to be soothed. Those words helped me not to give up. I felt like I was trapped in hell. My way out was a bit unorthodox: getting evicted and having to move in with my mother…but it was the way that the Lord gave me, and I took it. Humbly and without complaint. Sometimes we are so broken, we can then be shaped.

    I always thought I was meant for something more. Always driven, always ambitious, always moving and thinking. And then I met Jesus after being saved for over a decade. Little by little, he began to restructure what purpose meant for me. I have always been business oriented, a planner by nature, and have somewhat control freak tendencies. And always up on the latest technology, wanting to do something bigger, better and faster than others. The truth is about three months or so ago, I began to ask the Lord about my own business because I was simply tired of being at the mercy of others. I was tired of telling people how to run their businesses and once on their feet, I was discarded, obsolete and no longer worthy of anything. I was lead to read a passage in Chronicles in which David was holed up in the citadel. He was surrounded, and defending his position. Longer story shorter, David needed help, and the help came in the form of men from the enemy. What the Holy Spirit drew to my eyes the most is that he needed men capable in every division, and they were sent from unorthodox places. Some people were great strategists, some were good at battle and others just good people persons. David couldn’t be king without those people, and so it is with businesses. Despite the fact that I get frustrated with assisting businesses and then my ideas begin to be less valuable as time goes on, the fact is, I have sewed seeds that will spring up later. Some strategies of some companies in St. Louis are still doing things that I taught them to do ten years ago. But the most important thing I’ve learned is that no position is permanent. When your time in that position (wherever or whatever it is) is up, then you are moved on. Your time where you are isn’t quite up.

    anyway, for me, my purpose is shifting. When I wrote I want to sell Mary Kay and be a PTO mom, I really want to spend the next few years doing that…and I just took steps to sell Mary Kay. Seriously. I don’t even wear makeup. My children show me every day they need me here, and I believe the Lord will make it possible without an extra hardship on my future husband or others in the house. The Lord has shown me it is my purpose to teach his word, not like in a big preacher flashy kind of way, but simply by doing what we’re doing now. And eventually, that will be all that I do, aside from Mary Kay. Purpose is not a one stop destination. It shifts. We just have to be in the correct position when it does.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: