Posted by: tlboehm | August 20, 2012

New Day, New Do

Or is that “doo” – Probably the latter.

So after a week long multiply induced sabbatical from blogging wherein I moved two years of my virtual life into other site storage I think I am caught up, refocused and recommitted to spilling my entrails along the sparkly bandwidth. I suppose the pending shutdown should be seen in a positive light as it forced me to clean my virtual home and consider what my priorities were. Am I a blogger, writer, or just a frazzled drone wannabe looking for a place to dump my toxic waste of the day? Probably I am a mix of all those things and a few more unsavory bits.

For those of you new to me – last year I was dealing with some obnoxious anxiety/anger type symptoms and try as I might, my doctor did not agree that my “issues” were hormone based and told me to consider counseling. I did so as a last resort, being the Viking that I am I usually don’t “do” cuddly feely time and I just wanted the raging headaches, and the heart thumping out of my chest to go away. I figured the deep desire to throttle coworkers, poopin’ cats and wayward family members would abate with the right mix of nacho cheese and hoppy brew – but the heart palpitations and migraines were cramping my style.

I’ve been seeing a counselor for a year now and so far she’s actually surprised that with the level of chaos in my life over the past several years – coupled with my upbringing that I am as well adjusted as I am. I take no medication and after losing a few pounds the palpitations are easing. She thinks that perhaps my doctor is a bit off in testing as my symptoms do sound hormonal or at least hormones are giving them a nice frosty topping.

I remember early on telling her that it sucked that I had to pay 25.00 an hour for someone to say nice things to me. (Again, I don’t “do” people, sigh) but she actually is committed to assisting me deal with those things in my life that are both long term and difficult. So I decided to bring in an excerpt from a novel I am writing. When I spoke with her on Friday she looked at me and said. “Now I get it. I understand you. How can you go to that day job and do that line of work all day with all this going on in your head. You have a whole world created. It must be so difficult.”

WELL DUH!

Truth is. I have always been a responsible person. I’ve been in the workforce since I was about 16 and I have always tried to do a “Good job.” I’ve never been fired for cause. (Been laid off a few times) and I’ve been at the same company for 10 years. But at my squishy core – I am a writer. I have eight different novels in various stages of completion and at the end of a 50 hour work week, and a family – there isn’t much time for the novels that are bursting out of my brain. And if I think about things like – we all should be doing what we are designed to do – I know I am a writer before I am an accountant.

So yeah. Sometimes I get a toxic ball of phlegm in my craw. It happens. But my dad used to tell me when I was stopped in the middle of my tracks like a turned over turtle – “DO SOMETHING. EVEN IF ITS WRONG” – so – I’m a blogger. I enjoy blogging. It is a valid form of writing. I just think its appropriate for the blog to serve more purpose than a virtual raw sewage containment receptacle. So I’m going to work on that. My last blog was full of “excremental posts” and there’s only so much fertilizer a garden can accomodate before you start to burn the tender leaves. Capiche?

I think I’m happy about a new start. Change is a good thing. Yes. Peace.

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Responses

  1. I’ve found that there is a reason for everything- and your time will come. Maybe your blogging about it is just as important as those novels you will some day write! Thanks for your honesty- helps the rest of us feel normal afterall!

  2. (ps, what I mean when I say it helpes the rest of us feel normal, is that knowing others are also struggling helps me feel that we’re all somewhat, in varying degrees, in the same boat. Thanks.


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