Posted by: tlboehm | May 22, 2015

The Secret Life of Banshees

The day broke early with the plaintive bleating of the neighbors goats as I disentangled myself from the nest of perpetually untucked sheets. I found the younger spawn already engaged in an epic online battle, headset cocked, cat on lap and the world on ignore. If only it were that easy to shut this life out.

I’ve already showered, started the laundry, cursed the incessant squawking parrot and fought back tears. (and it’s only 7:00 am) If I allow myself the luxury of thinking about all that has happened in the past few weeks….my son married (didn’t see that coming) my husband needs ten thousand dollars worth of dental work, and we lost a beloved family dog. Her surviving offspring grieves in the backyard, unmoved even by the neighbors kibble stealing feline. Last weekend we shampooed, ointment lined and powdered the poor canine and still he lays, tick studded and miserable in his dilapidated dog house. Perhaps we’ve done more harm than good. Ticks are marauding bastards and this is just one more battle lost.

I have sufficient reason for refraining from blathering on line like I used to. Since 2009 the days have bled into one another with few moments of relief. While I’m stoked for my elder child, I find myself treading the spider silk line between absolute, gushing adoration for my new daughter in law and the corrective mental jerk in my cranium that screams “keep a polite distance”. Tensile as that line may be, awkward Tam is awkward and at any given moment my flat feet will fail and I will take a header in the middle of my carefully planned day.

And so I spend my minimal spare time and perhaps a few stolen moments sifting through the shaky leaves at Ancestry. I have about 2000 hints to click and seeing the number decline gives me a sense of completion and control. When I am weary I can simply push my chair back and walk away. The dead simply cannot wreak the havoc on your life that the living bring. My memories are mine. My future it would seem, isn’t.

Truth is, I’m tired of getting through the next day, the next audit, the next assignment, the next batch of dirty towels or spiked weeds to pull. I can’t escape the whispered admonition of my spirit telling me I am on the downhill side of time on this planet and perhaps I am past whatever bit was prime. My heart aches from running on autopilot. Survival isn’t living and since 2009 – I’ve been in terminal fight or flight – with only a butter knife and tissue paper wings. I’m scarred and broken and sad and dark chocolate won’t fix me. I run on momentum, too stubborn to stop.

And so it goes, I have myriad productive things to accomplish today because my family deserves a peaceful home and to those whom I’ve given my word, they deserve it kept. There is beauty in a soul that is satisfied by the simple comfort of a safe home and a job well done at the end of a day. Perhaps one day this aging bone cage will house a beautiful simple soul instead of the railing banshee at the back of my throat. Perhaps tomorrow. Or next week. A girl can dream.

Peace.

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Responses

  1. Reblogged this on sweatingthewriting.

  2. Life hits us square in the jaw sometimes and we come up swinging, often blinded by a veil of tears. We seek some kind of comfort – even justice, if justice demands . . . But, in time, the only voice we hear is our own, bellowing like some demented prophet on a street corner . . . The masses steer around us until that moment we determine to silently buck our way through it. There will be peace on the other side. Until then, let the spirit guide. Maybe it will use us for good. Maybe it won’t. Or, at least, that’s where I am these days.

  3. “Life is a string of tragic comedies strung together on the thin thread of history.” ~D.L.Mossholder

    I hate to think of anyone, especially someone as talented and with as beautiful a heart as you, Tammy, feel so down, so bereft. It so easy to get bogged down… even dragged under by the relentless grinding every onward of days. But loving and being loved keep us going, and hopefully bring us happiness and joy in this tragic comedy of life. Focus on the joys and let yourself feel gratitude.

    “Gratitude opens our eyes to the miracles that surround us. Life’s a miracle & a gift. Take every breath in gratitude.” ~D.D.Dianaty

    Nothing will get us down faster and keep us depressed than focusing on our own struggles. We’ll always have our struggles. I think it helps to enter into the joys of those you know.

    “Take sincere joy in the success of others. Being happy for them will make you feel incredible about YOU!” ~D.D.Dianaty

    I don’t know if my commentary is at all meaningful to you. These are the things I do and try to remember when life comes at me. I hope you find them helpful as well.


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